Social Media, Parties, and Math

I just finished listening to the latest episode of The Joy of Why, Is There Math Beyond the Equals Sign?, in which Dr. Eugenia Cheng discusses category theory. It’s a fun episode. Dr. Cheng’s enthusiasm for her field is infectious. Category theory is a branch of mathematics I’d never heard of before this evening, and it is apparently a very abstract field. So you might be surprised by how much of the conversation centered on sociology. It’s definitely worth your time.

But that’s not what motivated to sit down at my computer to write this evening. There was something that Dr. Cheng said that jumped out at me because it clarified for me something I’ve been wrestling with lately about social media in its various forms.

First, some context. Dr. Cheng is explaining the three properties of equivalence relationships in math. The third property is transitivity. She gives several examples to illustrate transitivity. The relationship, has the same birthday as, is transitive. If Person A has the same birthday as Person B, and Person B has the same birthday as Person C, we know that Person A has the same birthday as Person C. On the other hand, is the mother of, is not transitive. If Person A is the mother of Person B, and Person B is the mother of Person C, we cannot say that Person A is the mother of Person C. Then she goes on to say:

I thought, oh my god, she’s right! This is exactly what social media platforms do! Follow recommendations, retweets/boosts, these are all ways of trying to connect us to new people through the people we’re already connected to. So then I asked myself, when does this ever happen in real life? When are we expected to be friendly with friends of our friends?

One answer, of course, is at parties. Maybe not all parties, but certainly some. I’d bet most people have been invited to a party where the host was bringing together people from different friend groups. I have. I’ve also hosted parties like that. And I’ve been to parties where the only person I knew was the host.

Now different people have different reactions to parties. Personally, I get worn out socializing like this. And this might explain why I routinely burn out on social media—whether that’s Twitter, or the Fediverse, or Discord. I find myself retreating a bit from these places and falling back to conversations on Signal or direct messages through Discord with friends. This matches how I prefer to socialize in real life, too: small gatherings with people I know.

To stretch the metaphor a little further, social media is a party with no host. One thing that most people attending a party have in common, if nothing else, is that they are friends with the host.¹ But on social media, there is no host. It’s more like one of those godawful parties that college students throw where people just hear there’s a party going on and show up.

It’s kind of a relief to frame social media in this way. I’ve known for ages that I’m not big on parties. The similarities between a party and social media explain why I’d rather be in small group chats or direct messages with friends. And it helps explain why I keep burning out online, too. I guess the next question is, can I figure out a way to be online with my friends in a way that suits me better?